I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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