I'm sorry my penis didn't work
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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