that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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