I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
