WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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