My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
