someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
my liver is dry heaving
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
