Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So here I am, sexting at work.
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