Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
