Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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