I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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