Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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