I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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