My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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