Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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