Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
