Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
