i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
