we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
