i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
another moral hangover. fuck.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
