Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
