my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
