just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
