I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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