forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
