I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
love makes seman taste better
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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