I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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