its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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