dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
