Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
