gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
