there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize