Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
