i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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