i think i have herpe
just one?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
