i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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