I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she told me i tasted like america
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
