I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
