Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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