I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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