Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i now understand why vodka
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
