Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Jerry, you need to find god
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize