I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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