I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
