There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she pinky promised me she was 18
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
