When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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