I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
