i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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