Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
