I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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