i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
