he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
