It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is my gift to your gina
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
