to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
