How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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