I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
