I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
