so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
