im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
