Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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