he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
